The Dating Scene
Vignette 10: Dylan, an Idealist Healer (INFP)
By Dr. Lovegood
Dylan is a 32 year old Idealist Healer (INFP) with a string of failed relationships to his name. Many of these
relationships have ended up in flames, and he's only had one or two which have ended amicably. His friends and family
tell him he has a savior complex. Dylan is wondering if he will ever have a mutually satisfying relationship which can
last longer than a year or two. He's getting worn out from the roller coaster of emotions he's been having.
Dylan is a counselor in a drug and alcohol rehab program. He's good at his job since he is a good listener, sympathetic,
but firm. He's good at helping clients find small steps they can make which will start a snowball of successes. He is
scrupulous about staying romantically unentangled with clients, but he has a tendency of falling for their sisters or
friends. These relationships have been unqualified disasters. These women have done everything from cheating on him,
maxing out his credit cards, having jealous exes come and attempt bodily harm, to conning him into all kinds of fiscal
and emotional mistakes. More than once, he has had to file restraining orders against the women or their exes.
A typical relationship starts with Dylan doing a whole lot of listening to a woman's sob story about how life has cheated
her, she just needs a leg up, and she knows she has a problem but if someone would just believe in her and help her _. His
empathy kicks in. He's sure that this time he can really make a difference and help someone turn their life around. His
detachment vanishes as he wholeheartedly throws himself into the relationship.
He's begun to realize that he isn't falling in love with a woman so much as he is needing to heal people. The relationships
are inherently unequal and fundamentally unsound. He knows his family and friends are right when they say he has a savior
complex. His desire to help becomes codependency. But what to do?
His first baby step was to decide not to date anyone related in any way with his work. The next step was to start
looking for places to find stable women. The third was to try to hold off on falling in love until she passed a family
and friends examination. Doing this, he met a woman named Dena at the gym. Dena is a hospital administrator. Dylan and
Dena found they had common ground as they talked about the people they help. He loved her passion for her job. When he
had a crisis at work, she was there to listen and make suggestions. He found it difficult to be in the position of receiving
emotional support. He realized he wasn't quite ready for a relationship of equals, so they stepped back to being friends while
Dylan worked on this with his therapist. At this point, he's about ready to try again and is much more likely to succeed.
Do you have advice for Dylan? Do you know or are you an Idealist Healer and can you give information about how other
Healers have dealt with the dating game?